Take Me out to the Ballgame

As baseball season begins, many parents find themselves concerned with whether or not their child has the right shoes or glove or technique.  Perhaps we should take a cue from the boys in the story though, and make sure that our kids have the right attitude as well.  Please feel free to share this post!  My husband sent it to me from work today and as I watched our son at his first baseball practice of the season, I couldn't help but tear up seeing all the happy, healthy, perfect kids smiling, catching and running.

"Baseball is the only place in life where a sacrifice is really appreciated."  ~Author Unknown

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its
Dedicated staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'


The audience was stilled by the query.


The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'
Then he told the following story:


Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a fatherIalso understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.


I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning..'


Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.


At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.


However, as Shay stepped up to the
Plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher..


The game would now be over.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman..
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.


Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.


Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.


All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'


Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
Shay, run to third!'


As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team


'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.


Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Breaking "Bad"

I'll be the first to admit, I am hardly a candidate for "mother of the year," but I'm often appalled and deeply saddened by the things I overhear parents saying to and about their children. In our house, we have pretty strict rules about the words we use when talking about each other. We do not label each other with negative words or practice name-calling. That's not to say we don't joke around, but words are pretty serious business around here.

You see, when my brother was about three years old, a daycare worker constantly told him he was bad. The thing is, he wasn't BAD... it's not like he was killing cats and burying them in the backyard... He was just a BOY. One day, my mom asked why he wasn't allowed to do something at daycare and his sad little reply was, "Because I'm bad." It was heart-breaking for my mother and for me as well. That moment stuck in my 16-year-old brain and has never left. It was apparent that he was ashamed of this label that had been assigned to him. That day, I realized the importance of the words we use when describing children's behavior and actions. Choosing our words carefully prevents children from misunderstanding what we are saying and also prevents them from taking those words and using them in negative self-talk.

Another way to describe this form of talking to kids is "shaming." It's not something that anyone likes to think they do or would readily admit to, but when a child is told that they're being "bad" or called a brat, or cry-baby, etc. they are really being shamed. Many well-intentioned parents and teachers use shaming to stop a certain behavior, and it can be a very effective tool. The downside to shaming is that it causes children to have negative thoughts and feelings about themselves. Shaming involves a comment -- direct or indirect -- about what the child IS. This gives children a negative self-image and does not teach them about the impact of their behavior. It happens to the best of us when we feel tired or frustrated or out-of-control. We say the first thing that comes to mind, which is often the most hurtful thing you can say. A child's self-identity is shaped by the things they hear about themselves. If children's emotions are dismissed or their experiences are trivialized, they grow up feeling unimportant and that feeling follows them to adulthood.

I've read this Peggy O'Mara quote a million times and I always thought it was a good one, but I never realized the science behind it until recently.  I've been reading a book by Lysa TerKeust called "Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions."  In her book she states that when we hear something or even say it to ourselves, it creates a small channel in our brains.  The more we hear these things, the deeper the channel becomes.  We are literally carving a path in our brains with the things we say.  When something is so ingrained in us (literally!) it's hard to believe anything else.

In an article on the website The Natural Child Project, Robin Grille and Beth Macgregor state:

"Recent research tells us that shame motivates people to withdraw from relationships, and to become isolated. Moreover, the shamed tend to feel humiliated and disapproved of by others, which can lead to hostility, even fury. Numerous studies link shame with a desire to punish others. When angry, shamed individuals are more likely to be malevolent, indirectly aggressive or self-destructive. Psychiatrist Peter Loader states that people cover up or compensate for deep feelings of shame with attitudes of contempt, superiority, domineering or bullying, self-deprecation, or obsessive perfectionism."

Shaming does not teach children empathy, in fact in does the opposite. Don't we all want kind, empathetic children who care about others and respect the feelings of others? I sure do! When we label our children, they become absorbed with themselves and their labels. They don't learn anything about recognizing other's feelings or emotions. Telling a child he or she is "bad" does not teach them the effects of their behavior. It does not show them the emotional impact their behavior has on others. It only causes them to think that something is wrong with them. Shaming does not teach respectful behavior. It only teaches submission and compliance to avoid punishment or to please others.

Empty threats and name-calling will only get you so far. It's also important to recognize the child's stage of development. Just because having a toddler is exhausting and sometimes frustrating does not mean that they are "bad." It probably means they are developmentally right on track!

It's hard to retrain your brain to say the right things to your kids, but isn't it work a try?  I love the positive talk that Aibelene used in "The Help."  After reading the book, I initiated something similar with my own kids.  Every night, no matter what has happened that day, I tell them the same things every night before bed.  I hope my nightly words of affirmation will create such a deep channel in their little brains that no one can ever undo it.  There are enough things in this world that can crush little spirits and I think it's my job, as a mom, to undo as much of it as I possibly can.  I want to give my kids the tools to have a positive self-image, to be empathetic, kind, considerate, and resilient.  I want to bubble-wrap their spirits with so much positivity that they will bounce back from whatever (or whoever) eventually knocks them down.

Be Kind to One Another

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT engaging in a biblical debate.  I am NOT stating my opinion on gay marriage.  I AM standing up for Christians (real Christians...the kind that "love one another" not the bigots who use God and Christianity to cover their hatred) and for the right to state one's opinion.

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I have tried my best to stay out of the Chil-fil-A hoopla.  I think the whole mess is ridiculous.  I was reminded how ridiculous it was when I saw this floating around on Facebook:

I was just about over it when I read a recent interview with actress Sophia Bush online.  Here's a little taste of what ignited my fire:

"I'm sorry, it's 2012, if you really think it's OK to deny anybody their basic human right of loving who they choose to love, you can go f--k yourself, honestly. And you can print that, because I'm done. I am so over it!  Be a kind person...We are all supposed to be equal here."

Annnnd the fury is back!  First of all, this statement is so ignorant that I'm embarrassed for her.  Sadly, someone will read this and nod their head in agreement.  They might even clap or say something equally as ignorant like "Preach on, sister!"  But here's the thing, no one is trying to deny anyone the ability to love who they wish.  You can't really legislate love.  Certainly Mr. Cathy is not attempting to deny anyone the emotion of love.  Additionally, he was not unkind in his response to the question.  He did not bash anyone or any group of people.  In fact, his entire business is built upon the tradition of treating every person with honor, dignity, and respect -- regardless of their belief, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender.  Ms. Bush did get one thing right, though:  We are all SUPPOSED to be equal here, but let's get real, we're NOT!  Women still experience sexual discrimination all the time! 

Then she really got me going...

"When you use God as an excuse to hate people and you use God as an excuse to cut people down, first of all, I think it's insulting to God. And second of all, you're missing the point."

No, Sophia, YOU'RE  missing the point.  Dan Cathy isn't expressing hatred toward anyone and he didn't use God as an excuse for his opinion.  As has been stated repeatedly, he expressed HIS OWN OPINION, which happens to be shared by millions of Christians.  Sadly, it is also shared by thousands of other small-minded, loud people who CLAIM to be Christians as well.  So you've obviously confused Dan Cathy with the preacher of Westboro Baptist Church.  

Here's the thing, as a company, Chick-fil-a takes NO POSITION on gay marriage.  That's right folks, NONE!  Mr. Cathy can do whatever he wants with the proceeds of HIS company because it's HIS BUSINESS!  In June of this year, General Mills-- whose products include Cheerios, Pillsbury and Green Giant vegetables -- announced that it is opposing a Minnesota constitutional amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman.   Do you see Christian groups lining the streets and jamming the internet with petitions against General Mills products?  No!  Has anyone stopped feeding their kids Cheerios because of this?  I don't think so!  Also in June, Nabisco's Oreo brand posted on Facebook a picture of an Oreo cookie with six colorful layers representing the gay pride rainbow. The caption: "Proudly support love!"  Does this mean that Oreos are no longer milk's favorite cookie?  No.  Would you have even known about this if I hadn't written this blog post?  Probably not!  Because no one made an issue of it.  It is their right to support who/what they want, just like it is my right not to buy their products.  This does not require a major protest.  If conservative Christians reacted to these things the way liberal groups react to Christian statements, then we (Christians, that is) would all be driving around with "Death to Doughboy" bumper stickers.

As Christians, we are taught to love everyone.  We are also taught not to judge because it is not our job (John 8:7, James 4:11-12).  I was always taught that, in the eyes of the Lord, no sin is greater than another.  Therefore, the person who covets their neighbor's house is no better or worse than the person who disrespects their parents.  And who hasn't been guilty of one or both of these before? 

 Here's my point:

There was a time when it was dangerous to be black in this country, and now, I fear, we are entering a time when it is dangerous to be a Christian and share your beliefs.  My preacher recently posted a status update regarding this debacle.  He stated, "the Founding Fathers... believed that diversity of thought, denominations, and religion was a good establishing principle for our new nation. I believe it has served us well as a country. We are treading on dangerous ground when it is no longer acceptable to express a religious opinion whether Christian, Mormon, Muslim, or atheist."  He's exactly right!  We have become a society that is so hypersensitive that if anyone expresses any opinion about how one should live or love, then they are infringing on someone else's civil rights!  Get Over It!

This is my proposed solution:

Christians, if you truly are a Christian, then you should examine yourself before you condemn anyone else.  Look at your own heart before judging what is in someone else's.  We are all sinners in the eyes of God.  Pointing fingers at someone else because they have sinned "more" than you or "worse" than you doesn't detract from your own short-comings.  Remember, we were all created in God's image.  

And to everyone, Christians and non-Christians alike, take some advice from the book of James:

"...always be more willing to listen than to speak. Keep control of your anger." (James 1:19)

And remember:

"A big forest fire can be started with only a little flame. The tongue is like a fire. It is a world of evil among the parts of our body. It spreads its evil through our whole body and starts a fire that influences all of life." (James 3:5-6)

She Makes Me Smile

I never thought I could love a kid as much as the ones I babysat in college, until Joseph was born.  I remember holding him on the day he was born and actually feeling my heart grow.  I was sure I would never love anyone else that much.  Even when I was pregnant with Katie, I wasn't sure if my heart could hold any more love, but when she was born, my heart grew even more. That little girl has a personality all her own.  She cracks herself up and the rest of us too!  She is fiercely independent, yet would follow her brother over the edge of a cliff...or onto the kitchen countertop, whichever comes first.

I don't know if it's her cuteness, sweetness, or my exhaustion from dealing with her older brother causing this, but my own stubbornness and strong will is waning.  Our pediatrician told me that she needed to be off the bottle completely by 15 months of age.  Is she? NO!  I'm sure if I really pushed, I could get her to kick the habit, but then I wouldn't have a baby anymore and she would be very grumpy.  Today at lunch, we were sitting at the table together and she picked up her bottle gave it a hug and began to rock it like a baby doll.  I think this is her way of telling me that she's not ready to give it up.

Ohhhh I hope my will returns before she turns two!

Wise Beyond His Years

I've found that some of mine and Joseph's most profound conversations happen while in the car.  Some of those conversations end in some sort of "backseat confession," as I like to call them...the times when he tells me what he got in trouble for.  But most often, they end with him saying something that reminds me how very wise he is.

Two years ago, I went to AT&T to get a new phone and took Joseph with me.  He was 2 1/2 at the time.  He was small for his age (still is), extremely talkative (still is!), and extremely sweet (still is!).  The kind sales staff at the AT&T store felt bad for the amount of time we had to wait, but were impressed with his patience and interest in everything they were doing.  When it was finally our turn, they let him sit on the counter top and use the scanner to scan outdated bar codes and items that were being discontinued.  Then, they gave him a REAL AT&T name tag with HIS name on it.  Finally, one of the guys brought out an old blue cell phone that had been discontinued.  It was a floor model, so it never really worked anyway, but it had the appearance of a fully functioning phone.  It was about to be thrown away or recycled, but they gave it to Joseph so he could have a phone of his own.  It was like Christmas in July!

Surprisingly, he has kept up with his name tag and cell phone and he still likes to wear his name tag around the house from time to time.  As we were driving one day, he asked me why those people at the phone store gave him that name tag and phone.  I told him that it was because he was such a special boy.  It was the simplest explanation I could come with at the time.  Then, he got me.  He said, "But mom, ALL kids are special."  I was speechless for a moment.  I was stunned.  Even as I write this, I still am.  Where did he get that?  How did he know?  Not that it really matters, because he's absolutely right.  All kids ARE special.

Sailboat Sandbox Tutorial

Ahoy!  A few years ago, my mom gave us a book with plans for backyards for kids.  I FINALLY convinced my dear husband to build our son a sandbox.  Joseph loves sand sooo much.  In fact, during the school year, there is usually a small pile of sand beside our back door where he pours out his shoes after preschool.  
We slightly modified the plans to fit our backyard better and to make it easier to move the sandbox when we move to another house.  The original plan said to build a foundation for the boat out of 2x12 planks and then dig a 12" hole in the ground to set the foundation of the boat into.  Since we are planning to move in the next year, we opted to skip this step... plus, what 4-year old needs a sandbox that's 2 feet deep?! Instead, we added a plywood bottom to the boat to make it easier to transport when the time comes.  
This was one of the simplest plans in the book.  Anyone with with a few power tools can do this in a day.  I did not take step by step pictures (forgive me!).  Here's what we did:

Materials:
sides: (2) 2x12x8' planks pressure-treated wood -- bevel ends to 45 degree angles
ends: (1) 2x12x8' planks pressure-treated wood -- cut in half
ends: (2) 2x4x8' planks -- cut in half
bottom: (1) 4x8' piece plywood 
mast: (2) 2x4x8' pieces pressure treated wood
         (1) 1 1/4" x 4' closet rod
(2) 1/4" x 4" lag bolts
(2) 1/4" cut washers
(4) 1/2" x 1 1/2" screw eyes
(4) gear ties (see picture)
(6) 3/8" x 3 1/2" carriage bolts with 12 washers and 6 cap nuts
Box of 3" galvanized deck screws
Four yards 45"-wide outdoor fabric
Roll of thread (heavy duty)
(4) large grommets
Sand

We built this in our carport and then pushed it into its final resting place before filling it with sand.  Wherever you choose to build, you should consider access to electricity (for power tools), stability of your building service, and easy clean-up.  It was very convenient for us to be able to use the leaf-blower to clean up all the saw dust!

Building Instructions:
1. Bevel the Sides:  We used a table saw to cut 45-degree angles on each end of 2 of the 2x12x8' planks.  Then, we assembled the boat upside down.  Here is a photo of the beveled ends and sides as outlined in step 2:

2. Building the Hull: Using deck screws, attach the end pieces to the sides.  Bevel the 2x4 to match the side pieces and create a seamless fit.  If there are any gaps, use caulk or wood putty to fill in.  Sand can be pricey and you don't want it pouring out the sides!


3. Prepare the Masts:  In each 2x4, drill a 1/4" hole 1 1/2" down from the top.  At the other end, drill three 3/8" holes.  Locate them 4, 15 1/2, and 19 inches from the bottom.


4: Raise the Roof! er, mast: After bolting the masts to the boat frame so they are straight, cut the closet rod (if needed) to fit the distance between the tops of the masts.  Ask your partner in crime to hold one end of the closet rod while you secure the other end of the rod with a lag bolt.


5. Secure the Benches: Space the bench boards about 1/2 inch apart and fasten with deck screws.  Then insert one screw eye at each corner.  Use the shaft of a screwdriver to tighten.


By this time you should have something that resembles this:

6. Fill 'er Up!: It's definitely worth it to shop around for sand.  If we had bought sand at a home improvement store, we would have spent close to $300.  Instead, we called a ready-mix concrete company and they were able to help us out for much less.  They filled the bed of my husband's truck for about $60 and we had sand to spare!


7. Set Sail: Spread the fabric over the closet rod and attach the screw eyes with the gear ties (pictured below).  

You can also use bungee cords, but we had a hard time finding cords that were the right length.  I found gear ties at Target.  They are fabulous!  They're like industrial twist ties.


Sewing the Sail
The sail was made from outdoor-rated polyester upholstery fabric.  I've seen this stuff priced as much as $25/yard and as little as $9/yard, so it definitely pays to shop around.  I bought mine online at www.fabric.com and had a wonderful experience ordering from them.  I also ordered heavy duty polyester thread there.  You'll also need to buy a larger gauge needle, usually intended for denim and other heavy-weight fabric.
Hem the edges -- fold and iron 1/4", then fold down and iron another 1/4" each long side of the sail.  I pinned these folded edges to hold them in place until I could sew them down.  Sew a straight line along the long sides about 1/4" from the edge.
Hem the ends -- I totally messed up this step.  This is what you're SUPPOSED to do: fold and iron 1", then fold and iron another 1" along each end.
Once the ends are folded and ironed, sew a seam 1/8" from the edge of the end.  Then sew another straight line about 2" from the edge.  You'll place the grommets in the space between these two seams.
Insert a large grommet at each corner, following the instructions on the package.

Here's a picture of our finished "sand boat!"

If you have cats or if there are any strays wandering around your neighborhood, you'll want to build a cover for your sandbox either out of plywood or extra sail fabric.  If cats begin to use this as a litter box, it will make your kids VERY sick!  Also, you don't want your sand to get wet when it rains.  However, if you don't want to cover up your creation, I suggest getting a ferocious guard dog such as ours.

This is a great weekend project!  It can also be very easily adjusted for the amount of space you have.  Hope you and your little sailor enjoy!

Sweet Memories

This morning, I took Joseph and Katie to Krispy Kreme, also known as "The Donut Factory."  We sat near the window so Joseph could watch the donuts go through the "icing waterfall."  As I sat there staring at my precious babies, I was overcome with gratitude for their health and for our time together.  You see, I realized the other day that in 9 short months, I will have to register my baby big boy for kindergarten and days like this will be few and far between.  I mean, KINDERGARTEN!?  Seriously?!
While we were eating, I noticed this man looking at us.  I didn't think much about it because I was too busy being thankful that Joseph wasn't asking me 5,000 questions soaking in the moment.  I'll also admit that I looked like a hot mess and if I saw someone who looked like me, I'd probably stare too.  When the man finished his donuts, he stopped at our table and said, "You never know what great memories you're making."  It caught me a little off guard because he looked and sounded so much like Mr. Rogers.  Then he proceeded to tell me that when his daughter was little, they would go to Krispy Kreme together.  Now she's 18 and not very close to her dad at all.  He said her issues are classified as "extreme rebellion."  But one day she had a breakthrough.  As she was hanging out in the parking lot with some friends, she saw a dad and his young daughter walking into Krispy Kreme together and she started crying.  She called her dad and said she'd like to go grab a donut.
I hope that when my kids are teenagers they will not be "extremely rebellious."  I hope that they will continue to be just as sweet and precious as they are today.  But who am I kidding?  ALL teenagers are rebellious at some point.  I hope that when they reach their stages of rebellion, I will be able to recall all the sweet memories I have of them because it might just be what saves us all.