Breaking "Bad"

I'll be the first to admit, I am hardly a candidate for "mother of the year," but I'm often appalled and deeply saddened by the things I overhear parents saying to and about their children. In our house, we have pretty strict rules about the words we use when talking about each other. We do not label each other with negative words or practice name-calling. That's not to say we don't joke around, but words are pretty serious business around here.

You see, when my brother was about three years old, a daycare worker constantly told him he was bad. The thing is, he wasn't BAD... it's not like he was killing cats and burying them in the backyard... He was just a BOY. One day, my mom asked why he wasn't allowed to do something at daycare and his sad little reply was, "Because I'm bad." It was heart-breaking for my mother and for me as well. That moment stuck in my 16-year-old brain and has never left. It was apparent that he was ashamed of this label that had been assigned to him. That day, I realized the importance of the words we use when describing children's behavior and actions. Choosing our words carefully prevents children from misunderstanding what we are saying and also prevents them from taking those words and using them in negative self-talk.

Another way to describe this form of talking to kids is "shaming." It's not something that anyone likes to think they do or would readily admit to, but when a child is told that they're being "bad" or called a brat, or cry-baby, etc. they are really being shamed. Many well-intentioned parents and teachers use shaming to stop a certain behavior, and it can be a very effective tool. The downside to shaming is that it causes children to have negative thoughts and feelings about themselves. Shaming involves a comment -- direct or indirect -- about what the child IS. This gives children a negative self-image and does not teach them about the impact of their behavior. It happens to the best of us when we feel tired or frustrated or out-of-control. We say the first thing that comes to mind, which is often the most hurtful thing you can say. A child's self-identity is shaped by the things they hear about themselves. If children's emotions are dismissed or their experiences are trivialized, they grow up feeling unimportant and that feeling follows them to adulthood.

I've read this Peggy O'Mara quote a million times and I always thought it was a good one, but I never realized the science behind it until recently.  I've been reading a book by Lysa TerKeust called "Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions."  In her book she states that when we hear something or even say it to ourselves, it creates a small channel in our brains.  The more we hear these things, the deeper the channel becomes.  We are literally carving a path in our brains with the things we say.  When something is so ingrained in us (literally!) it's hard to believe anything else.

In an article on the website The Natural Child Project, Robin Grille and Beth Macgregor state:

"Recent research tells us that shame motivates people to withdraw from relationships, and to become isolated. Moreover, the shamed tend to feel humiliated and disapproved of by others, which can lead to hostility, even fury. Numerous studies link shame with a desire to punish others. When angry, shamed individuals are more likely to be malevolent, indirectly aggressive or self-destructive. Psychiatrist Peter Loader states that people cover up or compensate for deep feelings of shame with attitudes of contempt, superiority, domineering or bullying, self-deprecation, or obsessive perfectionism."

Shaming does not teach children empathy, in fact in does the opposite. Don't we all want kind, empathetic children who care about others and respect the feelings of others? I sure do! When we label our children, they become absorbed with themselves and their labels. They don't learn anything about recognizing other's feelings or emotions. Telling a child he or she is "bad" does not teach them the effects of their behavior. It does not show them the emotional impact their behavior has on others. It only causes them to think that something is wrong with them. Shaming does not teach respectful behavior. It only teaches submission and compliance to avoid punishment or to please others.

Empty threats and name-calling will only get you so far. It's also important to recognize the child's stage of development. Just because having a toddler is exhausting and sometimes frustrating does not mean that they are "bad." It probably means they are developmentally right on track!

It's hard to retrain your brain to say the right things to your kids, but isn't it work a try?  I love the positive talk that Aibelene used in "The Help."  After reading the book, I initiated something similar with my own kids.  Every night, no matter what has happened that day, I tell them the same things every night before bed.  I hope my nightly words of affirmation will create such a deep channel in their little brains that no one can ever undo it.  There are enough things in this world that can crush little spirits and I think it's my job, as a mom, to undo as much of it as I possibly can.  I want to give my kids the tools to have a positive self-image, to be empathetic, kind, considerate, and resilient.  I want to bubble-wrap their spirits with so much positivity that they will bounce back from whatever (or whoever) eventually knocks them down.