Every night when I put Joseph to bed, we talk a little bit about our day. I tell him what a great day we had and I usually ask him what his favorite part was. Last night during our usual conversation, he asked me first. I was a little shocked. It's not often you hear a 2-year-old ask, "What was your favorite part of today?" Obviously, I told him it was right then, rocking and talking to him. When I asked what his favorite part was he said, "Going outside and playing with you." Remembering sweet conversations like this one make it very hard to be angry at him, no matter how warranted it might be. After I put Joseph to bed though, I thought back to something I witnessed earlier that day at the baseball field. I saw a teenaged son speaking so rudely and so disrespectfully to his mother that my blood began to boil. It took all of my self control not to discipline that child myself, right then and there. Before you get upset, you should know that I would never discipline someone else's child and certainly not in public, but someone sure needed to! As I laid in bed that night, I thought about what factors shape a child into the person he becomes. This is somewhat of a nature vs. nurture question, but I believe that a positive, nurturing environment can have much more of an impact on one's demeanor than inborn nature alone. If someone hears sarcastic, rude speech on a daily basis, they are much more likely to repeat it. As I saw the arguement take place and listened to the tone the boy used to speak to his mother I wondered where he learned such. His words and his tone and his came so freely that I realized they must be things he's heard often, most likely at home.
This lead to an ongoing series of conversations between my husband and I. We are working to become more aware of the tone we use when speaking to each other, even if we're in the middle of a disagreement, as well as the language we use. We don't call each other names; we don't even call Joseph names... ever. I guess it's the dormant teacher inside of me who maintains the "no name-calling" rule. There will be plenty of bullies in his life, but his family will not be one of them. And we never ever say that he is BAD. That is one of my pet peeves and it pains my heart to hear other people talk about their children, their babies, that way, but that's a blog post for another day. We have a "just be nice" policy in our house. Sometimes it's very hard to do, but like all things, it's a work in progress. Many of our words and actions are guided by the thought that we don't want Joseph to speak to us or anyone else in that manner. We also try our best not to say anything in front of him that we don't want him to repeat at church. Even when I'm frustrated and angry with him, I try to envision that sweet, tiny baby who used to smile and laugh in his sleep just so I don't say anything I might regret. We are by no means perfect in our practice, but we are working to lead by example. I will be the first to admit I've let a four-letter word slip once or twice in front of him. Thankfully, he didn't pick up on it. However, Joseph has started picking up on a lot of the other things we say and repeats them in the same tone. It's mostly short phrases like, "right now!" or "this is 'diculous [ridiculous]!" We usually ignore the phrases unless he actually uses them correctly or when speaking to us. Then we remind him to use his "nice voice" and his "nice words," which has worked so far. I just hope we can stick with this practice and that it becomes such a habit that it lasts him well into his teenage years.
There are hundreds of things that will happen during childhood that can lower a child's self esteem or lessen their self confidence. What does Dr. Phill say? It takes how many "atta boys" to undo one negative comment? I believe it is my job as a parent to undo all those things and even preempt them by encouraging him, praising him, and helping him to become a thoughtful and considerate person now. At supper, even if we don't all get to eat together, we ask each other, "How was your day? What did you do?" Regardless of what kind of day we've had, even if he got out of time-out just in time for a bedtime story, I always ask him what his favorite part of the day was and tell him the thing he did that day that made me most proud. Then I tell him that he's a good boy, a sweet boy, a smart boy, and my most precious boy. He usually responds to each with "Thank you, Mommy." Sometimes I'm even told I'm a good boy too.
